Vodka on a Turnip – Range Rover Evoque HSE Dynamic

The great thing about the liquor store I go to is that it’s a place of forthright banter. People just shoot from the hip in the presence of alcohol. It’s a uniquely human phenomenon about which Gary L. Malone, an addiction psychiatrist at Baylor All Saints Medical Center in Fort Worth, Texas famously said;

“You can’t pour vodka on a turnip and have it say anti-Semitic remarks.”

But the guy selling you a bottle of cabernet can opine freely about the Range Rover Evoque. “My girlfriend had an Evoque,” he deadpanned, “It drove like a &%$-ing Honda Civic!”

I salute your bluntness sir.

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The Evoque is two things for Land Rover. Foremost, it’s entry level access to the brand, a foundation upon which future Range Rover customers might be built. Second, it’s a style statement, pitched by the likes of Victoria Beckham on its 2012 debut. The result is that it doesn’t have the figurative or literal heft of larger Range Rovers and sacrifices utility for style.

The former is notable in parking lots and tight spaces where the Evoque is more nimble than its siblings. Ironically, its much-discussed roofline makes it harder to see out of than bigger Rovers (a backup camera is not a substitute for actual visibility).

On the road, there’s a coarseness that wouldn’t do for upscale Rangers. You might argue that less refinement is to be expected in an Evoque but then you’d have to reckon with the fact that the HSE Dynamic starts at $53,775 and optioned as the one I drove was, it’s a $60,000 car.

The Evoque’s 2.0 liter turbocharged four cylinder churns out 240 horsepower/250 lb-ft suggesting sportiness but it has to move over 3600 pounds via a nine-speed automatic transmission driving all four wheels. Couple inevitable power losses inherent in the setup with a transmission which so aggressively hunts top gear that you frequently feel the engine lug and you’re not thinking “sport” behind the wheel. Or refinement.

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Because the Evoque must retain Land Rover-acceptable off-road capability, the throttle programming isn’t sporty either. Like the steering, the go-pedal is pretty numb. Mash it and you’ll get to 60 mph in 7.1 seconds. On a good day. With no load.

The chassis could certainly handle more power. Its rigidity makes the Evoque feel like its loping at 55 mph when it’s actually going 75. The HSE Dynamic gets “Adaptive Dynamics” – an independent coil-over suspension with several off-road modes and an S (sport) mode. Torque-vectoring by braking is also brought into play. Above 22 mph the Evoque drives only its front wheels unless extra traction is called for so the impression of a tall front-drive hatchback isn’t surprising.

The Evoque’s suspension has been praised for its body control but it can also react awkwardly to road imperfections, transmitting clunks and some performance-car jitters of old to the driver. I’m still not a fan of the Range Rover/Jaguar rotary gear knob. Overshooting your intended gear selection happens too often – when parking in particular.

The interior is generally high quality and the front seats acceptably comfy. The dash is relatively simple, centered by a new infotainment system that’s accessed via an eight-inch touchscreen. I like the physical HVAC controls that remain. Accessing these by learned touch-and-feel is quicker and safer than interacting with a screen. The rear is light on headroom and legroom. A snowboarding trip proved you can get a couple snowboards plus boots etc with half the back seats folded but you won’t get much more in there. As so many have said, interior utility isn’t the Evoque’s remit.

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It’s fer lookin’ good. Updates for 2016 include a new front bumper, two new grille designs, all-LED headlamps and three all-new alloy wheel designs. I drove a Black Design Package HSE with a Santorini Black finish, 20-inch five-spoke Satin Black wheels, “smoked” finish headlamps/foglamps, and a rear aero flip spoiler. A couple onlookers praised the look but it sure highlighted road salt and dirt quickly.

Does it drive like a Honda Civic? Objectively, yes and no. But if that’s the perception, then Land Rover might be concerned. Doesn’t seem like they’re worried. In fact they’re about to bring out an Evoque Convertible.

That’s a turnip I’ll have to think about over a couple of vodkas.

About Eric Tegler